Morning Pages from September 5, 2013

6:20 AM


I'm up. I wonder why I am not questioning being up right now. I thought I would because that woman said so. What's her name...I forgot now...I was never good with names anyway. But I cannot go off topic right now because some part of the purpose here is to learn how not to wander off when I'm writing. I can't help but wonder what the reason is for my limitlessness when trying to stay within a single subject. Is it because I start with already built in presumptions in my head about how a certain subject should be? Do I overthink things before I even begin putting ideas into actions? Am I one of those people who know it all? Is it because of this reason that all I touch turn into shit before it turns into anything. Wow. Just when I was worrying about how to find three full pages of words, I'm about to finish the first. It's raining emails on my phone by the way. NY 1 morning weather report says "Good morning Dee. Today will be emaily. Just like yesterday, and the day before, and the week before, or the month before. Fuck. The year before. Your life will always be emaily dear Dee." 

What? Shit. Company A is trying to tell me something but I couldn't care less. I ignore. I'm choosing to ignore Company A right now, and rest of my emails. And just like that, I have 90 fucking emails sitting in my inbox waiting to be replied to. It took me as short as 3 days to fall behind in my emails. I hate emails. My boss says she had a thousand of them waiting at some point but she worked through the long weekend trying to clear them all out. Now, she has 125. It's been three days since we started work again though. If she accumulates 50/day, she should be at 275 again. That's back to one fourth of the original 1000 she had. Wow she's screwed, which means I will be screwed at some point. Right now, I'm still at 90. I can keep ignoring. 


It's 6.28am. I finished 1 page in 8 minutes, which means I will need at least half an hour every morning to do this. I thought of calculating how much time was required last night right before I went to sleep. There I go again, opinionated already how my "system" should be before I even begin trying my system. Am I confusing being opinionated with something else? Do I think that people around me are pretty heavily opinionated? My friends, my family. Do they want to improve themselves ceaselessly or are they satisfied with what they've got so far? Is it enough to keep them going until the rest of their lives, whenever that might be. Like my friends back in they all want to move to Istanbul because it's the only town favorable for change and opportunities? For big fish/ big sea kind of stuff...Where else can one go if one doesn't want to stay put in Turkey? Nowhere really. Jesus It's all about titles and attributes these days. What titles have I ever had? Right now I have a big one, professionally at least. I love that word: professional. Fuck titles. I feel like a 15 year old girl most of the time. A 15 year old, who is very much overwhelmed by the titles and responsibilities of a 28 year old. Only 2 more to go and then my life is pretty much over. STOP IT. Life begins at 30. 30 is the new fucking 21. They're going to build a chain brand soon called Forever 31 and they will sell sexy lingerie and smart books. Right next to each other too because you know, beautiful people are also smart and need to read. Anyway what else...oh yeah titles...


I'm also a wife. It's been about 15 days now that I owned that title. World's most difficult fucking title. Wife. Wait though...Something doesn't quite add up here. If wife is a more difficult title than Area Director of Revenue and if takes much more responsibility to carry that title, then what the hell am I doing every day from 8am to 8pm in that black/gray/white office and why am I not at home? Well , could it be bling bling? I guess when first idiotic men created "money" they never stopped to think 6 billion people would wake up everyday only to think how much they hate money. That's what we do. We act, we don't think. Let's think here for a change. What would you do if money didn't exist. What would I do? I would write fictional stories about facts. It's been 21 minutes now actually since I started writing. So why the hell am I complaining still? But she said I would do this...Julian Cameron - and I swear I didn't Google it, I just remembered- I think I got smarter after 2.5 pages of nonstop blabbering. That's what it is, pure blah blah blah. No cohesion, no grammer, no beginning no end...that's exactly how she wants it though."Don't worry about anything, just write 3 pages everyday, no breaks and no typing. Handwritten" It's pretty much old school diary keeping, only loaded with 21st century New York problems. I also used my lucky pen, not sure if a lot of people have a lucky pen but mine is very fine and has blue ink. The kind that high school teachers use when they grade papers. Teachers in Turkey specifically. Fuck, I miss that place and all the bullshit in it. It's my bullshit after all. It's been about 3 years and 2 months since I was last there.  My mom visits all the time. In fact she will come again in 9 days with my aunt. It'll be us girls hanging out together just like old days and I would love to write about the old days but I'm amazed at the fact that I'm nearing end of page 3 and I have at least 3 more pages full of random stuff I want to talk about. I'm helplessly watching the thoughts on my mind racing to become words on my paper. I will stop now.