My red lipstick is missing. For the third time. I mean I know it's a great lipstick; I get it but what the hell? I don't want to keep loosing my red lipstick because all I do is create a sisterhood of abandoned sad little red lipsticks, God knows doing what on the streets of New York City. I mean, where are they right now? Are they all together partying like red lipsticks would?
I don't abandon things, not even people. But this red lipstick and I...We seem to be having commitment issues. Where the hell art thou missing red lipsticks?..
Red Lipstick #1
-Mmmmmm...yeah baby. You look so fucking hot baby! You will absolutely rock that event. What's that? Too much? Are you kidding me?! There's no such thing as too much red lipstick baby. Noone can get enough of me. You can't get enough of me. Don't fight me baby, don't do that. Come here, let me give you another kiss. Yes, just a tit bit of a kiss to that upper left corner. There! Perfect. Oh, won't you look at that!? We're here already! Let's go baby. Let's pay this nice gentleman at the wheels and be on our merry way to this ball of yours, where by the way, I am certain that noone's red lips will look as stunning as yours, darling. Yes don't you worry! You've got me baby...yes....me. Hey!!! What the fuck!!!?!
-Dee baby, darling. I'm down here you see. Not inside your clutch baby. I'm down here on the floor baby. Dee!! Deee??
-Jesus! What the fuck!?!? OH MY GOD!! What a bitch!! Did she really fucking drop me in a fucking cab that's going to...I don't know...God knows! Fucking Brooklyn!! AAGHHHH!!!! I am a red fucking lipstick for God's sake!? How can anyone drop me!? I mean, not to be bitchy or anything but maybe it's a good thing she fucking dropped me. I was never going anywhere with her tiny ass lips! I am much more than just Dee lips. I am destined to be Diva lips. I don't know...Angelina Jolie lips maybe? Is she Diva enough? Jesus, she's a bag of fucking bones!! What will she be for Halloween? Blumia? No. I need more lust, more desire, more red in my next woman to shine me out. What about that child crush of my dear Woody? What was that girl's name? Scarlett? Yes, Scarlett's lips are meaty enough for me, no? I might even find myself in the middle of some hot Hollywood action. Who is she dating now? God! I hope she's done with Woody. Yuck! FUCK! I got distracted. Where am I?!..Let me think here for a second. She was going to Lincoln Center so she got off on 66th and we kept heading towards downtown. It's about 9 o'clock so there must be no traffic jam. FUCK! Today's Saturday. I couldn't have gone that far off 66th...Think, think, think. Can I take the train if jump out of this disgusting cab on 59th? Yes of course! I can take the 1 train and get off at home. I fucking hate the subway. Dee, I hate you, I hate your stupid ball, I hate this cab, I ha....WHAT IS THAT!? AGHH What the fuck now?!?! Why did you stop you idiot cab driving primate?!...Oh...oh no!! Uh-oh! Uh-ohh!!! Wait, don't you dare stepping on me! Don't! Heyyy! Are those Louboutins?! I like red. I think I like you Miss...wait...you're not a woman. You're a man and you dropped a grand on a pair of shoes?! Mmmmmm baby! I like you already. Come on, step on me! Come on!! I'm right here. You can take me. Take me baby, take me. Theeere you go! Now...let's go anywhere darling. Don't you worry, I've got your back baby.
5 hours later
Fourth of July party at a friend's of Louboutin Guy
-Oh my! This man is KINKY! And the booze. Don't even get me started on the booze. What was that honey-lemon mix baby? I thought it was a cough drop at first but boy give it 2 minutes and it'll do the trick for ya! Don't even wipe that dirty alcoholic mouth of yours baby. Don't you dare kiss anyone just yet. I want more booze on me! Try the melon cucumber cocktail baby come on, try it! OOOhh boy. Stay away from bourbon darling, I like some sweet on me. You know me by now, gimme mo'e fruitzy boozy baby. UUUUUU!! What's that on me!? Men's lips?! Is a man kissing me right now baby!? Ah. This is sooo liberal of us. I love it! Wohoooooooo. Fuck Hollywood, fuck Scarlett and fuck Dee. This is LIFE. I love men.
Another 5 hours later
Oh God! I hate men. What the fuck happened to me. I'm all bruised up, all so dry! Oh. I'm sooooooo dry. I could sure mingle with some of those low life Carmex gals right now. I heard they all got together and the best condo they could afford was still the Duane Reade shelves...Ah. So sad...Wait though, what happened here, seriously? Where are all my clothes and how many guys are in this bed right now?.. I know I'm supposed to be matte and all but I'm so dry I'm falling into pieces...I need some licking, some lip rubbing, some moist in me. Moist...Speaking of moist, I think something is licking me but it's not my guy, it's not any of these guys in here. It's...what's that smell? Oh God! This is a dog! God, get off me! Stop licking! Get!! Get outta here!! We're all naked anyway, what are you doing here?!? Stop, I'm not what you think I am. Don't bite me! Hey! HEY!!! This is my final warning to you lapdog!! Get the fuck off me! I'll hurt you! Not warning you again! HEY!! STOP fucking biting me!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!! Ohhh Dee!! Oh my Dee!!!! Where are you!? Come save me Dee! Get away from me you little...
-The oh so sad End-